When we started our lives together, there was uncertainty- Does he really like me?. Is he kind? I mean we hardly know each other.
There was a longing I could not understand… Missing him when he went to work. But we had happiness and silliness in our tiny apartment in Kowloon Bay.
I wondered who and what he was and importantly what we will be together? I wondered how compatible we will be on this long road. I questioned how important our past histories’ will be to our future? Whether each one of us will love the other with the same intensity and passion? These questions are still being answered as we move around trying to find out own space in the world and in the relationship.
We had tough, mad, crazy days and beautiful, ecstatic, blissful days but in all, we continued to make sense of US. In all of this I never ever imagined the path our lives would take and the sharp screeching turn we took when the boy arrived.
We had the girl before him and she prepared us and helped us realise how much we love these beautiful tiny humans that look so much like us. Our mini me’s. But the boy bought an amazing dimension to your lives that we never fathomed. His diagnoses and his subsequent exit from his then school and my Daddy’s death came just days away from each other. This left a huge scar on us.
In those days of absolute panic, confusion and grappling in the dark, we held on to each other. We each struggled with different demons and the world appeared dim and dark and ugly like a monster trying to claw at us. But for whatever the reason he had absolute confidence in me making some tough and scary decisions about our beautiful boy. We spent days and nights trawling the internet for information about what is it that changed in our son. Sending each other links of articles, blogs, news reports, Wiki, WebMD, YouTube, books, etc. and we read and watched and read some more… trying to make sense of “it”. Slowly over time, we met the right people who helped us, who helped our son. And the boy has slowly grown from there to amaze us in ways we thought not possible. But that’s a story for another day.
I see Him working hard, stretching beyond reasonable limits to be the Father, the Husband, the Son he wants to be. He is all that and more to us.
Him and me… we are the mortar and stone at the bottom corner of the building, the one that’s least visible to people. Both mean nothing to the building individually, but together they form the cornerstone and hold it up. I have this feeling we are a part of something big. A predestined event or eventuality that we are here to mainly set in motion. A part of the substructure maybe, one that will eventually through time actualize into something significant. I think that our children are that or their children … Whatever it is, I truly believe that He and Me were meant to be for more reasons than one.
There are moments of doubt and grieving, and in that instant, the innermost anguish surges out. Is it an injustice that I cry over? or is it the loss of the perceived idea of a convention that haunts me. In those moments of ambiguity, I covet his humor, positivity, and simplicity. The journey is far from over and we have to look forward, even when the sailing is tough and treacherous sometimes. And then there is that feeling I spoke about, the feeling that’s something is brewing and it gets me excited.
I love the ‘us’ and it makes this journey so much more enjoyable knowing that at the end of the day we get to cuddle these two beautiful mini me’s and laugh till our belly hurts.
We love you, Dadu! Happy Father’s day to you and to my Daddy in heaven.