When I was doing my Master’s degree I wrote a paper on Theory of Chaos. It was more a view towards organisational structure and change with a business view point but what struck me while researching it was how beautiful Chaos is.
Too young to understand the full depth of what the learning was that time, recently I have been thinking a lot about it.
Chaos and Change.
Chaos theory is an interdisciplinary theory stating that, within the apparent randomness of chaotic complex systems, there are underlying patterns, interconnectedness, constant feedback loops, repetition, self-similarity, fractals, and self-organization.
Life is chaotic at the best of times, but this Lockdown has changed life and I don’t think it will ever be like it was before. I don’t think I want it to.
So it is with human connections. I can be very outgoing which is stark opposite of how I was when I was a child. At school or in the garden or at Sunday school, mostly alone, possibly hanging out with another loner like me. Dad worked for the Government which meant we were transferred every few years to a new town, which meant new school, new home, new beginnings.
I loved it. I met some amazing people and It gave me great pleasure to know I wouldn’t see some nasty kids, but also that I would now have opportunity to make new friends. Some places where great, some not so ,but what it taught me is how to get along with different types of personalities. The one bad side of that is you become a people pleaser, an over empathiser.
This can cause a lot of hurt. People take you for granted. Call you when it suits them or do something for you because they anticipate they need you sometime soon. Tell you what to think, question your reason and make you doubt your self. Decide for you.
So in the Chaos of life as it is right now a lot of these experiences have come to boil , simmer and then set. There is a beauty in it. There is a beauty of recognition of your worth and your being. In understanding that you don’t need to please others to be who you are. You can’t expect people to make you feel loved or worthwhile nor can you them.
Even during the Chaos of hurt, regret, lies, grief and questioning your part in the hurt, you will eventually see the interconnectedness of why they have happened and what needs to change for the shift to happen and then… things start to self organise
A relationship cannot be one sided. It starts from the first time you meet. The many small instances are telling what it is building up to. Just as Theory of Chaos tells us that a small difference in initial conditions can alter the dynamic of the outcome, the evolution of the relationship is based on those small events and how you react to them.
The more I think about it, there is science in the way be live and love.
What I think I need to do is rethinking the way I act/react to change the ultimate outcome. Not easy.
I can start by saying no!